Confessions of a Montessori Mom

Do you ever feel like taking the cookie dough into the closet so you can eat it in blissful silence? If so, you are not alone my Mama Friends! 

Tonight, we made cookies and well, it didn't go as smoothly as it has in the past. There was a lot of screeching, demanding, and wanting it her way. After a long day of work myself, I had to muster up all the patience I had left to remind her that, "she needs my help with some things and that's just the way it is." Although with a lack of patience, I did say out loud, "This is not very fun." I had to chuckle a little because after I said it, she started mimicking, "not fun, not fun." The whole point of making cookies is because it's meant to be fun!

Which brings me to the whole point of this article: Mastering the Fear Gremlins. I listen to podcasts on the way to work almost everyday. I've been hearing tons of buzz about the Fear Gremlins: perfectionism, imposter syndrome, and comparisonitis. Stay with me for just a minute because I want to share: how I've applied these Fear Gremlins to my parenting, why it's not helpful to us as parents, and how Montessori twists into all of this.

Part of Montessori being an effective model of parenting and education is how the Guide of those children takes care of themselves. If we, as the Guides, are not feeling centered, calm, and balanced, it's MUCH, MUCH, more challenging to be an effective Guide for our children, especially if you're teaching them to be independent and self reliant. So how do the Fear Gremlins play a role?

Gremlin #1: Perfectionism.

Do you ever find yourself trying to do things perfectly? Perfect parenting, perfect potty training, perfect discipline, perfect toys, perfectly designed play space, perfect anything? If the answer is yes, you're probably like most parents out there and it's probably stressing you out. Keep reading to find out why (hint: the answer lies within the expectations we set for ourselves.)

Gremlin #2: Imposter Syndrome.

"A psychological pattern in which people doubt their accomplishments and have a persistent, often internalized fear of being exposed as a 'fraud'." This is a fun one. Think about times you've been in public and you're stressing out about the way you're parenting your child. You may feel like others are going to judge the way you're parenting and in turn they will know you're a fraud and you really have no idea what you're doing. To me, this is imposter syndrome. Many of us are concerned about perfect parenting. We prefer to be seen as parenting the "right way" so if someone catches us doing something different than what we think is the "right way," they will think we are a fraud as a parent. Then we tell ourselves we must not really know what we're doing and we must be doing it all wrong. Have you ever told yourself this story or a similar version? If so, imposter syndrome may be stressing you out. Bare with me and I'll get to the part about mastering these little nuisances. 

Gremlin #3: Comparisonitis.

Well, comparisionitis kind of goes hand-in-hand with imposter syndrome. We constantly compare ourselves to other parents and their parenting style. On one hand, this is completely normal, because we as humans are continuously searching for order. We want to be able to place ourselves on the "parenting scale." Where do we fit- the bad parent, the mediocre parent, the pretty good parent, or the exceptional parent. The way things are ordered and defined is how we make sense of the world so it's natural to compare but not always helpful when taking care of and being loving to yourself.

If you've ever experienced any of the Fear Gremlins, you have room to grow. The way I've been mastering these little gremlins all comes down to two things: being aware when they are happening (this is the tough part - but meditation has been proving to help) and then releasing the expectation and leaning into the aspiration.

Expectations are rigid and typically tied to a certain outcome, happening at a certain time. Expectations typically set us up for failure because we can't control all of the elements that have to come together to meet the expectation. An aspiration, is a hope or ambition of achieving something. If we change our perception from expecting a certain outcome to hoping for one we're far less likely to become upset and stressed out when things don't work out.

We can use this same mindset and apply it to the "imposter syndrome." Instead of expecting that others may think we don't know what we're doing, we can shift our thinking to, "I'm doing the best I can, and that's what matters," not what everyone else thinks.

Finally, our good friend comparisonitis. Is it more helpful to compare ourselves to others and constantly expect more of ourselves? Or, is it enough to realize that we're doing the best we can, with what we have, and so are all of the other parents? Typically, we have no idea what other's are going through, so to judge them based on our own personal experiences is not helpful or very compassionate.

If we work towards becoming aware of when the three Fear Gremlins are attacking our thoughts, we can shift our thoughts from these fears to thoughts of, "hoping to do the best we can," and keep working from there. These intentions will certainly pave a more thoughtful and caring way to treat and think about ourselves, which not only models positive behavior to our children, but gives us the patience and sanity we need to live harmoniously with our little humans.