5 Ways to Encourage Choice

Choice. What does choice really mean? I hear parents all the time saying things like:

"If you don't pick up (insert problem) your toys, we're not going to the (insert super fun activity that's been planned for the day) park." 

"Sit down in your seat. Sit down in you seat. Sit down in your seat....(insert any repetitive command)"

"How many times do I have to ask you to put your shoes on before you go outside."

"You've gone far enough. (Child starts crying.) Ok, you can go just a little bit further."

My dear friends, if you ever find yourself saying any of the things above - then "choice" can become your best friend. Choice is defined as, "an act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities." This warrants a quick conversation about good choices and bad choices. Good choices are going to set you both up for success. Bad choices are not going to serve either of you. So you want to pick your choices carefully (and keep some in your pocket as well).

1. Think like your child

Think like your child. This means try to get inside your child's shoes. Why are they acting a certain way. If you find yourself needing to come up with a choice, that's your cue to assess the situation from their eyes. Why are they acting a certain way? Are they tired, needing attention, hungry, wanting to make a decision. These things are important to consider because we are our child's biggest advocate and if we can try to see things through their eyes before coming up with choices we're likely to come up with better choices that suit all parties. For example, just the other day my daughter sat down in our shared driveway. Obviously, not a safe place to sit. So instead of telling her what she couldn't do, I noticed she was wanting to sit. So I told her if she wanted to sit, she could sit on the grass. Had I needed to give her a choice it would've been, "would you like to sit on the grass by yourself," or "would you like my help moving to the grass." When safety is an issue choices usually become would you like to (insert behavior that needs to be stopped) or would you like my help (insert behavior that needs to be stopped).

2. Offer choices (that no matter the outcome) you'll be ok with

A great example of a poor choice is, "Do you want to sit in your seat," or "do you want to be finished with dinner." If they choose sitting in their seat, great! However, if they haven't taken a bite of food and you really need them to eat you don't really want them to be finished with dinner. An alternative could be, "do you want to sit in your seat," or "would you like to sit on the floor." I know it sounds a little silly but if your child can't remain safe at the dinner table they lose the privilege of the chair. However, the important part here is not highlighting that you don't want them to have the chair. It's highlighting the actions you want to see, in this case safely eating dinner. (We happen to have a small snack table in our kitchen which works well because if safety at the dinner table results in moving to the snack table she has another ideal place to eat dinner. *However, the other day she also lost her chair at the snack table and got to stand at the table while eating her dinner. ) Which leads us to stick with the choices that are given.

3. Once the choices are offered - stick with them

Giving choices is awesome because it empowers your child to choose what they want to do and promotes and fosters a culture of respect for both you and your child. However, if you give choices and don't follow through they can become your worst enemy. Children under 6 like to test everything! They want to know what the boundaries are - in a sense I think we all do this throughout our entire life. If you give them choices and then let them do whatever they want anyway you've offered them freedom without limits and it becomes a nightmare. The same thing goes for when you set a ground rule. Perhaps your child is outside playing and they keep leaving your sight and you have to continue chasing them. If you set the ground rule that they need to stay within eyesight you need to stop playing in that area if they can't follow the rule. A helpful tip is to create visible boundaries. Children under 6 don't really understand stay where I can see you and would benefit from being able to see the boundary. 

4. Give your children time

I realize this one is not always easy. We are constantly busy running from activity to activity. If you have children who are being difficult to get out the door and into the car you'll want to give them choices in advance. If you know you're leaving the house in 30 minutes don't wait until 5 minutes to prepare them to get out the door. Start at 30 minutes or even an hour. "We're going to be leaving soon. You can get your shoes and socks on now, or I can help you when it's time to go. If you wait until it's time to go I'll have to help you because their won't be enough time for you to do it yourself." You'll want to encourage them throughout the process. Why don't you finish what you're playing with (insert activity) and when you're done let's work on getting your shoes on. I would love it if you could show me how to do it all by yourself." Why you may ask do we want our children to prepare themselves, well if you miss the window of their interest in learning how to dress themselves you'll soon have a dependent 4 year old who waits for you to dress him. Follow your child on their own drive and journey to being independent, slow down enough to support them through it, and reap the rewards.

5. If your child is old enough get them involved in deciding the choices

 A child in the 3-6 year old range is old enough to decide their own choices. "Do you want to decide your choices, or do you want me to decide your choices for you?" Sometimes this works like a charm and other times you'll have to decide the choices for your child.

For more information on choices, and how to implement the Montessori philosophy into your own home grab my free guide for Bringing Montessori Home or email me, [email protected]